Small talk is a skill.
I eavesdropped on a pro at the China Buffet in Harrisburg, Illinois.
What I expected to become complete drudgery, bloomed into an amusing getting-to-know-you between an older woman waiting for her order and the cashier doing some tedious task behind the counter.
Cashier: Let me go check on your order.
Cashier walks back to the kitchen, opens the door, walks back to counter.
Cashier: Just putting everything together, should be just a few more minutes.
Woman: Thank you.
Cashier: You’re probably used to seeing my mom here.
Woman: Yes, where is she?
Cashier: She’s with family today, so I picked up. It’s not bad today.
Woman: Just really humid.
Cashier: Did you do some shopping today?
Woman: A little bit, but I’m dragging today.
Cashier: I used to love shopping when I was younger. Could’ve done it for hours. Now
that I’m older I don’t want to do it anymore.
Woman: The older you get the less you enjoy shopping.
Cashier: I always try to go in with a list, that seems to make it a little faster. Do you make lists on your phone?
Woman: I barely use my phone. I write lists out on a piece of paper.
Cashier: Yeah?
Woman: Then I lose the paper. But writing it down gets it stuck in my head somehow.
Cashier: Still remember what you want to buy.
Woman: But now, before I put something on my list I always ask myself “Can I make this?”
Cashier: Yeah, try not to waste the money on more things.
Woman: Or the time getting them.
Cook from kitchen delivers food to woman.
Typical goodbyes ensue.
The captivating part was the lack of confirmation talk. Yes manning. Agreeing and not adding.
You know, small talk without direction:
Cashier: I’m usually working during the week. But it’s not bad today.
Woman: Not too busy?
Cashier: No, it hasn’t been too busy. Just a small rush during the day.
Woman: Oh that’s not bad.
Right…
It’s like holding hands as you drive off a conversation cliff.
But small talk can be a very useful tool once it becomes a reflex.
Small Talk Sucks
Your attitude about small talk is the beginning of how you’ll approach small talk. If you tell yourself this is gonna suck or all the people at this party are stupid and don’t want to talk about anything of substance so I guess I’ll be a nihilist, then it’s safe to assume the appropriate results will follow.
A 2018 study found that people who had more substantive conversations (i.e. deeper, meaningful) also had higher levels of satisfaction in life.
BUT they also found that small talk had no noticeable affect on life satisfaction.
So this idea that small talk can destroy your desire to live amongst others and throw you into the arms of a hermit-like life is insufficient. It’s more likely that a lack of deep, connected conversations is causing some dissatisfaction.
But breaking a narrative isn’t easy…
Question Everything
The easiest way to make small talk more interesting is to ask questions.
My curiosity tends to lead with questions. I want to know things about you, and if it takes a little digging, I’m willing to get dirty. We can begin with the weather and something from the news, but I’ll soon ask about your water intake and what human quality infuriates you most.
Doesn’t it feel good when someone asks about you?
Makes you wanna talk to them more, right?
We enjoy the engagement of someone else’s wonder.
A 2017 study found that asking more questions increases the responder’s responsiveness.
They also found that a higher number of questions resulted in an increase in second dates.
We like to be heard. We enjoy the validation that communication offers.
Through questions we can better engage one another.
And isn’t that just the ice breaking?
Any conversation can begin with the safe topics — sports, television, weather, etc.
And questions can take your conversation in every possible direction. A little meandering and suddenly you find common ground. From a point of common ground you can begin to navigate into substantive territory.
And then, apparently, you’ll be more satisfied with life.
Or you can get into Grice’s Maxims of Conversation and dissect every conversation to decide whether you followed the Cooperative Principle and how you may have flouted or violated any of the maxims.
Then apply the same examination to the other half of the conversation.
It’ll take all day to find out who is at fault for the crappy conversation.
Brain’s Bias
The brain is a fickle fucker who does whatever evolution has trained it to do.
The aforementioned 2017 study also found that people who observed conversations (3rd party watching an interaction) liked the person answering questions more than the one asking questions.
This reinforces the idea that we like individuals who are responsive TO US.
If you’re listening to someone asking questions that are not directed toward you then there is no engagement — you’re essentially ignored by the questioner.
But the answer offered by the questionee can be received by anyone listening, namely YOU (third party listener).
The brain doesn’t take kindly to being ignored.
So you hate the questioner for ignoring you, and embrace the questionee for sharing themselves with you.
Humans in a nutshell.
What It’s All About
Airports all around the world have put a picture of a tiny little fly into their urinals. The fly is there to minimize cleaning costs by helping dudes pee in “the right spot.”
And it works.
For all our complexities there is a simple side that embraces solutions. Unfortunately, that side usually needs to be tricked. No one feels bad about peeing on a fly because fuck that fly. But a conversation between two beings opens up a world of endless possibility, until one day you hit a small talk wall and think fuck that guy.
But try and remember that it’s not small talk you hate.
Rather, it’s the lack of substantive talk that brings you down.
Maybe it’ll help to go deeper with friends and family, so that the small talk at work grates on you less.
Maybe a penpal is in order to quench your existential thirst, then the parties and get-togethers can become opportunities to observe and report.
Maybe joining a club (online or meetup) will provide the proper outlet for those heavy, swirling thoughts.
Or move to Scandinavia and let the Scandinavians teach you to be more comfortable with silence. Maybe it’ll inspire you to start a solo atmospheric-black-metal project.
After all, talking is just a tool.
And sometimes you gotta take that tool to the right place in order to make use of it.
I try to see each and every interaction as worthwhile because I find it charming to believe that existence is simply an experience. Whether you tell me about how terrible your day was or offer a list of local sights I should check out, I’m grateful for my time with you.
I’ll ask questions if questions are necessary.
More times than not, my questions have led to deeper understandings of the person in front of me. Then I can better understand how I want to show up for others.
Sometimes we never get out of small talk, and the simple joy of acknowledging another human being is enough.
Being a space holder that offers nothing but time and attention is a privilege.
And the rewards vary widely.
Along with the many humbling stories I’ve heard and the beautiful secrets I’ve seen, sometimes, in the moments when it’s least expected, a stranger walks up to your parking lot picnic and hands you a melon.
Without a question.