Lots of people seem to believe that the only people who talk to themselves are those with mental health issues — the homeless schizophrenic waiting for you at the end of the highway exit ramp, or the mumbler that approaches you while you’re trying to enjoy bottomless mimosas during something vile known as brunch1.
Talking to yourself is a fantastic way to get a grip on the world around you. You’re probably already doing it in most situations, whether out-loud or within the confines of your mind, and there are benefits to both positive and negative self-talk.
It’s just a matter of figuring out when to use one or the other.
But it’s difficult to accept that negative self-talk may be helpful because of continued messaging like this:
I can think of plenty things I don’t deserve — to have my bicycle stolen, torture, a trip to Epstein Island when I was a young man and the island was in its heyday, to be involuntarily injected with experimental drugs, and other things like that.
Or stuff I can’t do, plenty of that going around in my mind that’s simply true and it doesn’t crush my soul one bit— I can’t bear children because I don’t have a uterus, I can’t just let the sun freely cook my skin because I don’t have enough melanin to protect against the UV rays, and I can’t shotgun a beer without tears streaming down my cheeks.
All of these things I don’t deserve and can’t do have little to no effect on my overall well-being.
Here’s another example of positive messaging: Dr. Shad Helmstetter.
Who inspired this man, Joel Olsteen?? This looks like straight televangelist stuff2.
I don’t think Dr. Shad is winning any awards for creativity3, but I can see why people find what he’s saying useful. He speaks in generalities and blanket statements, which is ideal for anyone selling you an idea — the more general the ideas, the more individuals that will find anything to relate to. And there’s your business model.
Whatever happened to not assuming that we’re all the same and many of us thrive when facing our own (and possibly other’s) negative thoughts4?
I quickly get bored with the absurd amount of exaggerated, unhelpful positivity5 all around. So it’s nice to find a research article that suggests finding a balance between positive and negative self-talk.
This 2021 research article took a bunch of college-aged adults and looked at the activity produced in the brain during positive (+) and negative (-) self-talk and what effect either had on cognitive performance.
What they found:
Both (+) and (-) self-talk can enhance your brain function
(+) self-talk increases the brain’s connectivity and enhances executive function6
Adversely, (+) can make you more impulsive or inaccurately confident7
(-) self-talk improves cognitive performance8
(-) also creates a less confident state that may increase motivation (attention) and stimulate your desire to avoid negative outcomes9
They’re both useful but in different ways.
Maybe when facing a challenge you meet it realistically and say to yourself I have my doubts about whether I can do this, but let’s go. Well, that sounds like someone who is prepared to deal with failure and, if all goes well, gets the reward of a wicked celebration upon succeeding.
Success feels good because of past failures.
As an athlete, I used (-) self-talk all the time to motivate myself. The most useful tool I have found in (-) self-talk is preparation for failure. Telling yourself (+) affirmation like I can do this and I will succeed doesn’t prepare you for any kind of failure10. Failure is not even on the radar, but the truth is that failure follows you like a shadow.
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You think those dead bodies on Everest started out thinking shit, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die? Probably not. They went in with excitement and were warned about the dangers of what they were about to attempt. Then a decision was made. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to face an idea like I might die when doing something that might kill you.
As with everything, you have to find what works for you. If shit-talking yourself gets you going and you start slapping yourself into success, great job. If getting up each morning and repeating I am worthy, I am beautiful 11 helps you get a grip on how and why you want to get things done, keep it up.
Try the many different ways things can be done. Indulge yourself in possibility and see what results may come of it, even if it is dubbed negative by someone else. Maybe that negative comes with a net positive for your experience.
Above all, beware the consumerism culture because it seems like the more time goes by within this culture, the more difficult it is for a greater majority to figure things out for themselves12 in their own way. After all, it’s hard not to want to solve your problems with a purchase.
But what if happiness is just doing it your own way?
I’ve worked countless brunches as a bartender and server, and my utmost disgust sits with those who choose to wear a specific kind of hat to this gathering.
You may not be surprised to find out that Dr. Shad was headed for the ministry before building his self-talk empire. His PhD is from Southwest University, which is really difficult to find information about, and AmWay pops up along with his name. You be the judge.
He started the Self Talk Institute and wrote a book called 365 Days of Positive Self Talk for Weight Loss.
Countless individuals have found success out of spite. Arnold Schwarzenegger was told that his accent would hinder his success in the US. The reason he was chosen for the Terminator role, aside from gaining some acting credentials thanks to Lucille Ball, was because his accent helped him sound more like a robot to American ears.
My road to becoming a collegiate athlete was filled with taking shit talk and turning it into a competitive advantage. Trash talk is just psychological warfare. It’s another battle front of competition. I had really long hair (nearing my waist) and played highly competitive volleyball. I cannot begin to tell you how many opposing teams made fun of my long hair when we were warming up or during the match. Countless times I was simply called a girl or faggot or whatever else teenage boys can think of. I usually took note of the person making fun of me and then, depending on the position he played, considered the ways I can attack him. The interesting thing about any sport where the players cannot come into contact with one another(volleyball, tennis, ping pong, etc) is that all your shit talking has to come solely from your psychological and athletic abilities — you can’t physically interact with your enemy like you can in basketball or soccer. So, naturally, I did everything I could to hit that shit-talking asshole right in the face with the ball. Oh man, when that motherfucker looks at you after the leather has reddened his face, well, it’s a priceless feeling of elation and victory. I mean, the match itself becomes almost pointless because the feeling of winning the match will never come near the expansive joy one feels shutting down trash talk. The truest of drugs and one I find myself craving every so often.
This guy is so positive he has lost the ability to cuss.
Executive function is stuff like self-awareness, cognitive flexibility, memory, emotional regulation, etc. It’s all the deep stuff that makes you, you. Your inner being or something like that?
Read: Cocky, arrogant, pompous. You’ve seen this. It’s the fighter who underestimates his opponent, flaunts around saying things like I’m the best or You’re finished, then, the night of the fight, listens to the overwhelming roar of a bloodthirsty crowd as his face is smashed into the mat.
How you learn and problem solve.
Maybe this gets you into problem-solving mode and all of a sudden you’re paying attention to your opponent differently, or paying attention to yourself differently. Details begin to emerge and options become more real. Harsh realities are easier to overcome once they’re brought to your attention.
Like those people that tell stories about never accepting failure and facing adversity no matter the challenge and…. YOU STILL FAIL. Not accepting a failure doesn’t mean you don’t fail, it just means you use your failures to learn, recalculate, and attack again. Realistically, all they’ve done is found the best way to accept failure and move on from it.
But reasonable statements like You might be capable of… don’t really sell.
I have a mantra that I repeat when I’m doing breathing exercises (I won’t call it meditation because that term doesn’t feel authentic), which is — I am loving awareness.
Stole that one from Ram Dass and I make sure to physically smile when I’m doing it - the smile apparently tells your nervous system We’re happy. And then you’re happy. Try that out. Way better than positive self-talk.
I posit a theory: this is the by-product of a consumerism-focused society, with an ethos along the lines of I don’t have to work on this myself because I can buy a product someone has created based on their experience of the same thing. Well, maybe that’ll work, and maybe it won’t. What’s missing is the pilgrimage.
When I was traveling in South America I met countless young professionals looking forward to their ayahuasca trip. I talked to them about all the things they had done to get to where they currently were and a list of purchased classes, seminars, and the like usually came up. The purchasing of an ayahuasca trip is the most extreme manifestation of consumerism-to-get-something-done, consuming-for-an-experience.
Many of them had what sounded like a pretty bad experience.
Um, duh.
It may not be the best idea to go into a holy experience thinking it’s just a product for consumption or simply something that will happen, end, and you’ll move on. An experience that intense will stay with you, whether you want it to or not.
But consumerism is not here to respect the holy. It is only the product that receives respect, until the next, better product shows up. The by-product is of little importance.